Hi, my name is Rachel and I think I need a new job. I've done a lot of thinking about this, and I've had some important thoughts I feel the need to share.
Like most people of my generation, I'm on Twitter. I've repeatedly seen users who call themselves 'social media experts' in their Twitter profiles or they tweet about how they're social media experts. It baffles me when people say that they're a 'social media expert'. What exactly makes you an expert? Wouldn't basically anyone who owns a computer and posts to any social network or even sites just like this one be a social media expert? My generation grew up with computers all throughout school and then at home, we've all transitioned through each new fad social networking site, and we all obsessively update our statuses on these various sites several times per day on our phones/tablets/laptops/etc. I have more than 2x as many people following me on Twitter than I follow. So I have hundreds of people who at least occasionally read about my dislike for Oreos, religions, and Republicans or how I feel guilty every time I eat, get drunk off of vodka and sing songs 20 years older than me, and how I love Memphis but I think Nashville is awful. If I have hundreds of people willing to read my postings like that then I think I should be considered a social media expert. And then I'd like a company to pay me a ridiculous salary to be their social media expert, which means I get really overpaid to just sit around tweeting and posting on Facebook all day....the EXACT SAME THING I DO NOW without getting paid for it.
Like most people of my generation, I'm on Twitter. I've repeatedly seen users who call themselves 'social media experts' in their Twitter profiles or they tweet about how they're social media experts. It baffles me when people say that they're a 'social media expert'. What exactly makes you an expert? Wouldn't basically anyone who owns a computer and posts to any social network or even sites just like this one be a social media expert? My generation grew up with computers all throughout school and then at home, we've all transitioned through each new fad social networking site, and we all obsessively update our statuses on these various sites several times per day on our phones/tablets/laptops/etc. I have more than 2x as many people following me on Twitter than I follow. So I have hundreds of people who at least occasionally read about my dislike for Oreos, religions, and Republicans or how I feel guilty every time I eat, get drunk off of vodka and sing songs 20 years older than me, and how I love Memphis but I think Nashville is awful. If I have hundreds of people willing to read my postings like that then I think I should be considered a social media expert. And then I'd like a company to pay me a ridiculous salary to be their social media expert, which means I get really overpaid to just sit around tweeting and posting on Facebook all day....the EXACT SAME THING I DO NOW without getting paid for it.
Another completely made-up career I think I would excel at is 'life coach'. What do I need to do to become a licensed/certified life coach? I've never seen any colleges offering a bachelors degree in life coaching (or social media, for that matter). Life coaches are just people who get hired by rich people to boss them around and tell them how to live their lives. I LOVE to boss people around and tell them how to live their lives, and I'm excellent at it. I would love it even more if I got paid for it.
Oh, and what about certified professional organizers like on Hoarders? Also a bullshit 'career'. I can totally tell people to throw away their 30 year old newspaper collection so they can sleep in their bed rather than strapping themselves into a chair at night, to throw away the empty Banquet dinner packages that have piled up in the kitchen for the past 2 decades so they can start cooking again or at least get rid of their rat problem, and to stop shitting in adult diapers when they have a working bathroom underneath the 2 tons of garbage and the used adult diapers they just don't have the heart to put into a damn trash can and roll out to the curb every week.
I'm tired of having a boring office job and not having a job title that I just made up. I want to get paid to sit around and post on the internet all day. So I'm going to launch a new career venture. I'm going to be an eccentric person specialist aka blogger. Until then, y'all bitches should give me your money and I'll tell you how to live, where to put your crap, and what to tweet.
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