What I did last night: learned that even Orthodox Jews can thank G-d for the Rabbit vibrator

Did you know that "Orthodox Jewish couples are taught, once they get engaged, to have phenomenal, shout-out-loud, swinging-from-the-chandelier sex."? No? Have you ever wanted to bring a new toy into your Jewish bedroom, but are fearful that it just won't be Kosher?

I was like most of you, completely oblivious to the fact that Orthodox Jews wanted to have screaming sex while swinging from a light fixture. How silly of us! Ladies, beneath those layers of clothes containing no mixed fibers is a stallion waiting to make you praise Yahweh after he's applied "an easy to use spray on product that will help any male last longer making intimacy more pleasurable to both husband and wife." For those couples who want to get a little more adventurous in the bedroom, but still want to keep things Kosher, there's a new online store ready and waiting to make sure that you not only see the FIRST coming but that you see a SECOND coming! So, you want to buy anal beads with G-d's blessing? All it takes is $3.99 plus shipping and handling to be able to fill yourself with 11 inches of blessed plastic. Anal beads too tame? Then you can give the stimulator designed for the male body a spin. Don't worry, gals, you haven't been left out either. There's a lengthy listing of vibrating stimulators for your pleasure. What about that couple looking into a little bondage to strengthen their bond? Pick out your safe word now!

Maybe you're wondering just what exactly you'd be getting by buying your marital products from a 'Kosher' retailer. "Every product we provide – unlike those in many other online stores – is sent to you without any crude packaging or accompanying materials. Our website – while obviously only for married adults – contains no crude or indecent pictures or text. We believe that only two people belong in the bedroom – and bringing pictures of others in can only harm a marriage." So for all of you married couples who want to spice things up without having to worry about bringing scantily-clad total strangers you saw for a few minutes online into your marriage, Kosher Sex Toys is looking out for you. I know you've all been looking for a new way to bring G-d into yourself, but just didn't know where to look. You're welcome. Now, go fuck yourself. G-d says it's cool.