So you may have seen that my pal Randi made a list to help any potential Prince Charming sweep her off her feet. It got me thinking about my own rules for potential suitors, and how most women are completely insane when thinking about what they want from their "perfect man". I wanted to take a different approach than just listing the things I want from a guy. Maybe I'm just an odd duck, but here are some things most women seem to swoon over that just drive me nuts. Take notes, guys.
1. Look, I don't care what romantic comedies tell you, sometimes persistence does not pay off. Women want men willing to chase after them a bit, that is sometimes true. What is not true is that I will start to fall for you if you just keep sending messages, calling, or trying to be around me when I've said that I'm not interested. I've dealt with far too many guys who seem to think by continuing to pursue me after I've let it be known that I don't like them romantically that I'm going to somehow magically realize that yes, I DO like them after all. I don't care that it worked with your last girlfriend, it isn't going to work with me. I appreciate that someone is so taken by me. I do not appreciate constant unwanted attention. If I tell you that I don't share your feelings, do not pretend like I never said anything or that you don't understand what I meant. I'm not just playing hard to get. I'm playing leave me alone because it's never going to happen. And I know you've heard it before, but seriously, no means no. If I tell you I don't want something to happen, I mean it. Don't pretend like you didn't hear me say 'no' or 'stop' when you start to take things further than I wanted, especially when it comes to things getting physical. And don't just try to kiss me until I stop saying 'no'. Movies do not have it right when it comes to that kind of thing. I know you've seen movies where a love scene starts off with the chick saying 'stop, we can't do this' and the dude just keeps at her until she relents and everything turns out hunky-dory. Complete bullshit. NEVER. DO. THAT.
2. I like hearing from my significant other. I like it when I get a prompt response to a text message or when a guy calls at the time he said he would call. I do not like, want, or need you to call or text me for no reason several times per day other than to say hi or chat. It's nice to get an unexpected message once in a while just to say hello or that you were thinking of me. Doing this all the time will only make me think that you have absolutely nothing else to do and that you need to get a life that doesn't revolve around me. You don't want me to constantly use your digits either, right? Right.
3. Some women seem to expect that their dude spend nights cuddled up with them on the couch watching Grey's Anatomy together. That sounds like torture for each person involved. Seriously, I don't expect you to sit around watching something like Gilmore Girls with me. I know you don't want to be assaulted by the estrogen overload, just as I have no interest in watching one of those ridiculous car/motorcycle shows or something equally aimed at men. I damn sure don't give a shit about your dude shows, and I really don't care either way if you know who Luke Danes is so don't try to feign interest thinking it's what I want. If you actually enjoy the same movies or shows as I do then that's bad ass, but I'm not going to try and drag you to the latest Kate Hudson flick or be offended if you have no idea what Puckleberry is.
4. I admit it, I am not a cuddler. I feel like there's this thought among men that all women want to cuddle all the time. Totally inaccurate. Here's a crazy (to me) quote I read from a woman describing what she wants from her man: "he should hold you in bed at night when you are cold and not pull away even though he is sweating to death." Bitch, what the fuck is wrong with you? Get some blankets! Why should he sacrifice his comfort because you're too lazy to grab a comforter? Guys, I do not want your ass pressed up against me all night. I definitely do not want this if you're dripping in sweat from the body heat. I have no problem buying a blanket, I don't need you to act like one for me.
5. On a somewhat related note, I am not touchy feely or all that into public displays of affection. I don't need you to touch me every waking moment we spend together. For example, I'd say almost all of the women I know love it when they hold hands while driving somewhere with their guy, their hands are clasped together while waiting for their food when out at a restaurant, or they hold hands while doing something like grocery shopping together. That kind of thing is just plain weird to me. I'm just not too big on hand holding, but I can't deal with someone constantly needing to touch me. Are you trying to reassure yourself that I'm real? Are you doing it in public as a way to mark your territory since pissing on me is highly frowned upon (I'm not Kim Kardashian, watersports are NOT cool)? Are your hands cold but you lost your gloves?
6. I know I can't speak about all women, but there are so many who are just plain stupid when it comes to expectations for a mate. There are women out there who expect a man to "kiss away all his woman's pains and send chills down her spine as he does." Yeah, no thanks. I'm going to ignore just how childish that statement sounds to me. It would be nice if you asked me if everything was ok or if there's anything you could do to make me feel better when I'm dealing with heavy stuff, but generally speaking, if I'm having a really bad day then the last thing I want is you trying to send chills down my spine or get into my pants. What I usually want is the same thing you want when you have a bad day: space and a little time to deal with whatever is happening. You don't want me up your ass when you're working through a problem, I don't want you up mine. I will be there for you should you decide that you need me for anything, and I expect the same in return.
I know there are more ridiculous things that should be added here, but it's late and I'm drawing a blank. What have I left out?
1. Look, I don't care what romantic comedies tell you, sometimes persistence does not pay off. Women want men willing to chase after them a bit, that is sometimes true. What is not true is that I will start to fall for you if you just keep sending messages, calling, or trying to be around me when I've said that I'm not interested. I've dealt with far too many guys who seem to think by continuing to pursue me after I've let it be known that I don't like them romantically that I'm going to somehow magically realize that yes, I DO like them after all. I don't care that it worked with your last girlfriend, it isn't going to work with me. I appreciate that someone is so taken by me. I do not appreciate constant unwanted attention. If I tell you that I don't share your feelings, do not pretend like I never said anything or that you don't understand what I meant. I'm not just playing hard to get. I'm playing leave me alone because it's never going to happen. And I know you've heard it before, but seriously, no means no. If I tell you I don't want something to happen, I mean it. Don't pretend like you didn't hear me say 'no' or 'stop' when you start to take things further than I wanted, especially when it comes to things getting physical. And don't just try to kiss me until I stop saying 'no'. Movies do not have it right when it comes to that kind of thing. I know you've seen movies where a love scene starts off with the chick saying 'stop, we can't do this' and the dude just keeps at her until she relents and everything turns out hunky-dory. Complete bullshit. NEVER. DO. THAT.
2. I like hearing from my significant other. I like it when I get a prompt response to a text message or when a guy calls at the time he said he would call. I do not like, want, or need you to call or text me for no reason several times per day other than to say hi or chat. It's nice to get an unexpected message once in a while just to say hello or that you were thinking of me. Doing this all the time will only make me think that you have absolutely nothing else to do and that you need to get a life that doesn't revolve around me. You don't want me to constantly use your digits either, right? Right.
3. Some women seem to expect that their dude spend nights cuddled up with them on the couch watching Grey's Anatomy together. That sounds like torture for each person involved. Seriously, I don't expect you to sit around watching something like Gilmore Girls with me. I know you don't want to be assaulted by the estrogen overload, just as I have no interest in watching one of those ridiculous car/motorcycle shows or something equally aimed at men. I damn sure don't give a shit about your dude shows, and I really don't care either way if you know who Luke Danes is so don't try to feign interest thinking it's what I want. If you actually enjoy the same movies or shows as I do then that's bad ass, but I'm not going to try and drag you to the latest Kate Hudson flick or be offended if you have no idea what Puckleberry is.
4. I admit it, I am not a cuddler. I feel like there's this thought among men that all women want to cuddle all the time. Totally inaccurate. Here's a crazy (to me) quote I read from a woman describing what she wants from her man: "he should hold you in bed at night when you are cold and not pull away even though he is sweating to death." Bitch, what the fuck is wrong with you? Get some blankets! Why should he sacrifice his comfort because you're too lazy to grab a comforter? Guys, I do not want your ass pressed up against me all night. I definitely do not want this if you're dripping in sweat from the body heat. I have no problem buying a blanket, I don't need you to act like one for me.
5. On a somewhat related note, I am not touchy feely or all that into public displays of affection. I don't need you to touch me every waking moment we spend together. For example, I'd say almost all of the women I know love it when they hold hands while driving somewhere with their guy, their hands are clasped together while waiting for their food when out at a restaurant, or they hold hands while doing something like grocery shopping together. That kind of thing is just plain weird to me. I'm just not too big on hand holding, but I can't deal with someone constantly needing to touch me. Are you trying to reassure yourself that I'm real? Are you doing it in public as a way to mark your territory since pissing on me is highly frowned upon (I'm not Kim Kardashian, watersports are NOT cool)? Are your hands cold but you lost your gloves?
6. I know I can't speak about all women, but there are so many who are just plain stupid when it comes to expectations for a mate. There are women out there who expect a man to "kiss away all his woman's pains and send chills down her spine as he does." Yeah, no thanks. I'm going to ignore just how childish that statement sounds to me. It would be nice if you asked me if everything was ok or if there's anything you could do to make me feel better when I'm dealing with heavy stuff, but generally speaking, if I'm having a really bad day then the last thing I want is you trying to send chills down my spine or get into my pants. What I usually want is the same thing you want when you have a bad day: space and a little time to deal with whatever is happening. You don't want me up your ass when you're working through a problem, I don't want you up mine. I will be there for you should you decide that you need me for anything, and I expect the same in return.
I know there are more ridiculous things that should be added here, but it's late and I'm drawing a blank. What have I left out?
Dude. We are so different. Rule 1- AGREE. Rule 2-Yeah, I kinda like hearing from someone. I don't even care if they wake me up with texts or a phone call at 3 in the morning, because it'll just make happy. Who knows. Maybe I'm warped. I'm Velcro. Rule 3-Agree. I love watching movies together, but I also have good taste. I don't really have to worry about trying to get someone to watch a RomCom. It's more of convincing a guy it's more of a "The Third Man," day than "Citizen Kane." Unfortunately, I WILL sit through your horrendous bullshit, but don't get mad if I make sarcastic comments if it's really, reeeaaaally terrible. I will also remind you of the times you made me watch that horrible something-or-another at random times in the future. I see it as an even exchange. :-D Rule...whichever-Oh. my. gosh. LOVE affection when I'm sexually attracted to someone. I may as well be a damn monkey. If they aren't into it though, I won't be all over them. You learn and repeat the actions that are presented in the beginning. Rule #5- Whoops. Guilty of this, too. I don't want to lick faces in front of people and cause mass projectile vomiting in crowds, but I love holding hands, love kissing, cuddling, running my hands through your hair, yada yada. I'm a loving person. I can't help it. Rule #6- Dude, are we even friends? You want to disappear for a bit when you're dealing with shit?
ReplyDeleteFor rule 2, I don't have any problem with sending messages at random times of day or even the middle of the night. I'll either be awake anyway, or if I'm sleeping then my phone will be on silent so I won't even be bothered. With rule 3, I'm cool with watching movies together if it's a movie we're both interested in seeing. I too will provide my own commentary when he forces me to watch some dumb action movie or whatever. He probably doesn't want to hear me talk about how much I hate Nic Cage. I don't want to deal with anyone making snarky comments to me about my love of Pride and Prejudice or how I can recite lines along with Cher in Clueless. I didn't force him to sit there with me so he can shut it. Rule whatever (lmao) is one of those things that I just don't really like. Someone is going to be uncomfortable if we're cuddling most of the night. Either one of us will get hot or someone's arm will fall asleep or something. Rule 5-I'm fine with some affection, I just cannot stand to be touched all the time or for no reason at all. I won't be all over a dude, I don't want him all over me. It doesn't mean I don't have feelings for him, I just don't really feel any increased bond from holding hands or cuddling. Rule 6-Of course we're friends! I do like to disappear for a little bit when I'm having a MAJOR problem. I'm not talking about something like just having bad day at work because someone yelled at me. I'm talking about someone is ending our friendship or someone important to me is dying type of situations. You are not in a relationship with me, so I go and tell you whatever the hell is bothering me to get female perspective on stuff or just to vent to my bff. With a dude, I usually just want him to be there for me if I need him but to wait for me to tell him that I need him rather than just trying to jump in and tell me what to do or try and fix things for me.
ReplyDeleteFor rule 5- I don't want someone tweaking my nipples or something, unless I tell them to, or we're joking around in privacy. HAHAHA. Ohh, my bedroom antics sound so interesting. The only time I don't want a guy all over me is when I am not into him. Otherwise, I'll have no problem once that comfort level is there. In the beginning, I'll def be a little timid and shy. Rule 6- Insert that cheesy, "That's what friends are for," song by Dionne Warwick here.
ReplyDeleteLmao. And that's why we're friends, the fact that you even referenced something so hilariously corny just reinforces that we are perfect bffs.
ReplyDeleteWTF. There needs to be a "Like" button on here, stupid asses!
ReplyDelete